Reflection

I am at a point in my life where I stand at a crossroads.

I was born and grew up wanting to be a star, wanting to be famous, wanting to be a heroin, wanting to fight for a cause and win.  I made mistakes, broken the law, acted out, stood out, and now have a beautiful child that is looking to me to build a life for her to grow up in.  This brings fear and excitement to my heart.  I can not sleep and am hoping to take this time to provide a plan to grow up myself.  I am Danger from For the Love of Ray J.  I am Monica Laura Leon daughter, sister, and now mother.  Wild and crazy, sexual and uninhibited, tattooed, and fearless.  As a mother I cannot be any of these things I have grown accustomed to.  My self identity has become sooooo many different things, and in the media I have been portrayed as a negative, insane, lewd girl. 

At this crossroads, many decisions have to be made.  I am a single mother of color in America.  I have to provide a household for my child and a stable environment for her to flourish and grow and this has become my top priority.  I knew when I became pregnant that I would have to change.  Prior to filming the Ray J show I was a woman who modified her morals, standards and upbringing to cope with what I was doing in my own destructive selfishness.  After filming the television show, I was brutally honest about the life I chose to live and my family and friends have suffered over the choices that I have made and the public ridicule it has caused.  Slogans like “Danger Smashed the Homies” and nude photos scour the internet upon an easy search of my name.  Transitioning from who I was to who I am to who I want to become is a difficult necessity for my self preservation and my newborn daughter.   

As a single mother, I reflect on what kind of mother I want to be and who I am as a person.  I am an artist.  First and always.  I see everything as self expression, and art.  During my times of great hardship, I have created paintings, and written in a diary to see myself through these dark hours.  I want to help women and children of great poverty and disillusionment, people who are lost in this world and need help remembering who they are, like I once forgot.  Vulnerable minds, who forget to listen to their own voices, or those who need encouragement to, instead of falling victim to the vampires or pimps of the world that seek out personal gain and destroy what used to be innocent’s lives.  These prevalent forces make others coward under their feet with false promises and cruel intentions.  I want to spread art and beauty of the world to the world.  I want to give hope to the hopeless.  I want to use my business mind and entrepreneurship to become financially independent and successful in order to give my daughter the best possible life.  I will take action to do these things, not for me, for her.  She has saved my life, so I can provide the best possible life for her.  Blessings be upon you.

I will write more later.

Love,

Monica

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